Read my interview in FEMINA, 9th Jan 2014
Don’t take it too seriously, love!
Relationships can be tricky and dealing successfully with all the ups and downs in it isn’t easy. And most of us have one or two back up people whom we reach out to help us solve any relationship dilemma or to give us a different perspective about things. But what happens when the advice thus gathered or notions cherished create more confusion and chaos leaving you feeling more messed up than what you were. We get you seemingly easy to turn to and hold on to sources of notions and how depending on them can sometimes create more chaos.
Romantic books and movies: Most women would admit to their favourite romantic scenario being inspired from an age old romantic book that they read as teens or having watched some movie which has left a deep impact on them. Sanjana Jha, a 24 year old working executive says, “I was a huge M&B fan when I was a teen and can’t seem to get over the fact that the love of my life would be this swashbuckling knight in shinning Ferrari who would sweep me off my feet with romantic holidays and a huge solitaire. “Yes, I know that sounds to good to be true ever but no matter how hard I try I keep looking for a guy like that and no one that I have come across till now fits the bill. But I don’t want to give up this notion for more realistic standards just yet and that is the reason I have already refused to proposals that my parents found for me.”
Expert says: Dr Hansal Bhachech, consultant psychiatrist and author of relationship books says, “Novels are product of emotional fantasies and wishful thinking. Narrations are made to give emotional roller-coaster ride to the reader. Women read novels in vast majority as compare to men because they love to have emotional fantasies. I come across many women readers in my practice, who rather than enjoying the read for time pass, start taking it more seriously. In such cases they end up raising their expectations in relationship. These dreamy expectations put their relationship on high emotional demands which usually they fail to get. They end up having small tiffs to major differences. Finally, they found themselves unhappy and dissatisfied in relationship while actually partner may not be that bad!”
Self help/relationship books While most self help and relationship books can give a deep insight into how relationships need to be and what you need to do to bask in the happy glow of a perfect relationship, some of them do go over top in advice you to lead your life a certain way. Also it does well to read most of these books with a pinch of salt and not go about believing and struggling to incorporate all things said into your everyday life. After like they say no two things or situations are the same. Aarti Shah, a 26 year old has read the famous Men are from Mars and Women from Venus, plenty of times and has loved various aspects about it. However, as she says, “There are few things that I would ignore rather than believe. For one, the stereotypes that the book creates about men being good with maps and directions and that women, are not. In my case I can read maps better and have a better sense of direction than my husband. Some how I feel popularizing such stereotypes tends to create more problems than anything.”
Expert says: Dr Bhachech feels that while good books written by well known professionals can help people transform lives, it is very important that the one who is reading understands the concept and thought well before trying to implement it in their life. “When reader tends to follow the book totally, s/he is likely to become very rigid and theoretical in her/his approach. This can be worsening rather than helping. Sometimes, when they fail to follow, it may create guilt and frustrations too in a relationship,” says Dr Bhachech.
Friends’ advice:It is easiest after all to turn to you BFF for some advice, after all she has known you for ages and has seen and been around to see you deal with your heartbreaks and crushes. But like 32 year old Meena Sharma experienced, sometimes best friends don’t necessarily end up giving you the right kind of advice. “I was having major problems with my husband and in-laws and somehow things were just getting from bad to worse. I turned to Rakhi to help advice me on what to do. Now, Rakhi never liked Vivek. It was never a problem with me before as they rarely crossed paths. But when I turned to her for help, she started off telling how I was all wrong to get married to him in the first place and then how all the subsequent decisions that we had taken as a couple were wrong and kept bombarding me with so many negative things that I started believing everything she said. I had almost made up my mind to leave Vivek when my parents intervened and my mom gave me some patient and positive hearing. Now, after two years, we have resolved our problems but I some how can’t come to discuss any such issues with Rakhi again.”
Expert says: Dr Bhachech feels that one has to be cent percent sure of the person to whom one is turning to for advice for your personal relationships. “It is very important that the friend that you turn to is wise, positive in his approach and clear in his/her advise. Also it is very important that they give you a sound advice and have done so in the past too. Those friends who are going through emotional issues and dealing with their own set of problems may not be the right people to turn to as their opinions may be clouded with their own notions of what is right and what is wrong or would be based on how they feel right then. A bad or a wrong advice from a friend can do more harm than good in the long run.”
Link of an original article…