NOT NOW, HONEY!
Performance Anxiety And Lack Of Knowledge Rob Couples Of Conjugal Bliss: Experts
Radha Sharma | TNN
When Rushali got married to Sandip Patel, it was the perfect partnership. Both were IT engineers, pursued high profile jobs and shared similar interests and values. The couple embarked on their honeymoon to Switzerland with stars in their eyes and romantic dreams thudding in their hearts. That was two years ago. Instead of the love train speeding into the conjugal tunnel, it just stood at the station. The couple recently landed at the clinic of a local sexologist looking for a solution for their Un-Consummated Marriage (UCM).
It may be difficult to believe that something called unconsummated marriage may exist in times of availability of 24×7 porn and sexual knowhow at the touch of a smartphone that is perceived to have pushed society into a sexual overdrive. Experts, however, say that nonconsummation indeed plagues a high number of marriages. Reasons vary from basic lack of knowledge, erectile dysfunction, performance anxiety and complex webs of emotions.
Sexologist Dr Paras Shah has studied 463 couples for UCM from 2010-2013. An study titled ‘Un-consummated Marriages: Prevalence and Reasons’ of 459 of such couples reveals that the major cause of non-consummation of marriage where the couple was not able to have intercourse after mar riages was premature ejaculation (60%), performance anxiety (45%), lack of knowledg e (30%), erectile dysfunction (22%), vaginusmus (10%) and faulty positions (10%).
“The period in which the couples were not able to consummate their marriage ranged from 15 days to over 3 years. Maximum 70% couples who consulted me were not able to enjoy conjugal relationship from six months to over a year”, said Dr Shah.
Psychiatrist Dr Hansal Bhachech says that while it is a general belief that overexposure to internet has made people smart about sex, the reality is contrary. “People are entering marriage with a pressure to perform. Fed early on porn videos, they feel that aggressive sex which lasts for at least half-an-hour is normal. Similarly, women fear aggressive sex and many just avoid it fearing pain. With expectations rising, the most normal, instinctive act of intercourse has got complicated for many”, says Dr Bhachech.
Dr Bhachech cites instance of a couple that consulted him recently. The couple was married for a year but wife complained extreme pain on attempts to intercourse which would end in her pushing the husband away. “The wife had developed vaginusmus where her vaginal muscles would go into a spasm when the moment of intercourse arose. In-depth analysis revealed that she had watched porn clips and got scared of the aggression shown during sex in the clips”.
Vadodara-based sexologist Dr Vivek Jain has studied four couples who consulted him for unconsummated marriage. “It is a weird case of hype-sexual disorder. The couples are highly educated, have married out of love, care for each other but the husband just does not get the desire to have penetrative sex. Their medical reports are normal and need no medication”. TIGHT SITUATION
Many couples request doctors to perform IVF so that they have a child. This is to relieve the pressure built up by the families who do not know that the couple has not been able to consummate their marriage
Some women undergo dilatation therapy to get over vaginusmus and give their nod for surgery, not acknowledging that vaginusmus has a strong link with the mind
Doctors say that there are couples who have pulled on with their marriages for years and sought help only when their relation heads for a divorce
Touch therapy may end bed fear of newlyweds
Don’t See Orgasm As The Sole Aim Of Sex, Say Doctors
Radha Sharma | TNN
Ahmedabad: When touch did not work for newlyweds Piya and Hitarth, the couple went for touch therapy wherein the focus should be to touch and experience each other without focusing on intercourse and orgasm!
The couple sought treatment for Un-Consummated Marriage (UCM) after Hitarth reported failure to perform in the bed.
Experts say that touch therapy or ‘Sensate Focus’ is a key therapy devised by Masters and Johnson for couples with UCM. It aims at increasing personal and interpersonal awareness of self and the other’s needs. Each participant is encouraged to focus on their own varied sense experience, rather than to see orgasm as the sole goal of sex.
“Sensate focus is a term usually associated with a set of specific sexual exercises for couples or for individuals. Majority patients respond to this in the third week of therapy as the anxiety to perform reduces,” says Dr Paras Shah.
Dr Hansal Bhachech says, “As the man reports increasing awareness and attention paid to these holistic sense aspects of sex, potency often returns. This works well for women too. Women report more sensation in their vagina, and lubrication.”
Experts say that the basic modules to treat UCM include giving couples correct information about sexual intercourse and removing the anxiety associated with performance.
“There are specific communities even locally where the tradition of showing blood-stained bed-sheet to relatives after the first night of marriage still exists in this days and generation. This practice puts a lot of pressure on the couples to perform, leading many to become victims of anxiety,” said Dr Shah.
According to the experts, many couples are misguided about the techniques and positions.
They are shown audio-visual slides to remove their misconceptions about the sexual life. This helps in putting things in the correct perspective, say experts.